caliginous: adj. Misty, dim; obscure, dark
Unfortunately, this word can be used to describe my heart on more days than I would like to admit. There are many things that can trigger this emptiness, but it is usually a set of little things that I allow to become big things. Small, normal life happenings pile up and suddenly my heart turns dark. I no longer see any good in my life, but see only failure. On these days, my mind declares war with my heart. My heart will tell me that I am not
a horrible awful wife, mother and friend, but my mind will fight back with reminders of each and every failure; loss of patience with a child, unforgiveness towards my husband, lack of faith in a friends love. To add crazy to crazy, I begin to feel guilty for this battle going on in my soul. Not only will I sit in this disgust of self, but I will start feeling weak and defective because I can’t fight these thoughts and feelings on my own. This starts a wonderful spiral until I finally wind up in what my friends and I endearingly call “the pit of despair”.
Have you been there? I feel like we each have one. It is a horrible place. All of our darkness seems to live there. Truth seems to hide in obscure places and we can’t seem to find light. Ugly lies and unjust pain haunt us.
While I am residing there in my pit, and just as I seem to loose all hope, a small whisper of truth begins to tiptoe into my darkness.
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness! *
|same tree from a different view
Remembering my failures, my pain, and my dark places slowly leads me to remember how with each foundering, God has come and rescued me. I remember that the battle is not mine alone. My hope is no longer placed in the thoughts and feelings I have about myself, but instead placed in what Lord says about me. And what He says is incredible! I am sought after. I am thought of by Him more often than I can count. I am His friend. I am precious. I am His beloved. I am the apple of His eye. I am His. Slowly, these truths create a ladder that leads me out of my pit and into light and life.
I hold on to these truths for a time. However, I will fall into that ugly pit again. And each time it do, I will be chased after and rescued. I will be gently reminded that my Redeemer turns my ashes into beauty and my mourning in for joy and gladness.**