caliginous {film}

caliginous: adj.  Misty, dim; obscure, dark

Unfortunately, this word can be used to describe my heart on more days than I would like to admit. There are many things that can trigger this emptiness, but it is usually a set of little things that I allow to become big things. Small, normal life happenings pile up and suddenly my heart turns dark. I no longer see any good in my life, but see only failure. On these days, my mind  declares war with my heart. My heart will tell me that I am not a horrible awful wife, mother and friend, but my mind will fight back with reminders of each and every failure; loss of patience with a child, unforgiveness towards my husband, lack of faith in a friends love. To add crazy to crazy, I begin to feel guilty for this battle going on in my soul. Not only will I sit in this disgust of self, but I will start feeling  weak and defective because I can’t fight these thoughts and feelings on my own. This starts a wonderful spiral until I finally wind up in what my friends and I endearingly call “the pit of despair”.

Have you been there? I feel like we each have one. It is a horrible place. All of our darkness seems to live there. Truth seems to hide in obscure places and we can’t seem to find light. Ugly lies and unjust pain haunt us.

While I am residing there in my pit, and  just as I seem to loose all hope, a small whisper of truth begins to tiptoe into my darkness.

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, 

   the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— 

   the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there’s one other thing I remember, 

   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, 

   his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.

They’re created new every morning. 

   How great your faithfulness! *

same tree from a different view 

Remembering my failures, my pain, and my dark places slowly leads me to remember how with each foundering, God has come and rescued me. I remember that the battle is not mine alone. My hope is no longer placed in the thoughts and feelings I have about myself, but instead placed in what Lord says about me. And what He says is incredible! I am sought after. I am thought of by Him more often than I can count. I am His friend.  I am precious. I am His beloved. I am the apple of His eye. I am His. Slowly, these truths create a ladder that leads me out of my pit and into light and life.    

I hold on to these truths for a time.  However, I will fall into that ugly pit again. And each time it do, I will be chased after and rescued.   I will be gently reminded that my Redeemer  turns my ashes into  beauty and my mourning in for joy and gladness.** 

*Lamentations 3:19-24
**Isaiah 61:3a


  1. Stephanie · February 4, 2012

    Chased after and rescued….isnt' that the most wonderful thing ever? He pursues us relentlessly. What a Lover He is. Thank you for your honesty and turning us back to the greatest source of hope. The only source of hope.

  2. Megan · February 4, 2012

    oh girl, your words have a healing balm to them. I have seen you actually LIVE this out and it's a wonder to behold to see you fight the dark because it gives hope to others, including me. This is the most beautiful post. I love that you listen to Him. 😉

  3. ewa · February 4, 2012

    oh dear staci, I have been in that place so many times, and obviously either of them was a pleasure. sometimes it is just too long way back, but i always recall the words about the only way back from this pit is UP.
    i think every now and then, we all get there, blaming ourselves for everything, even for others' bad behaviours.. those days are dark but there is sun up there and I bet there is more bright moments around you than the dark ones.

    sending you love 🙂

  4. Staci Kennelly · February 4, 2012

    Thank you!

  5. Staci Kennelly · February 4, 2012

    You honor me with you words. Thank you, friend.

  6. Staci Kennelly · February 4, 2012

    Thank you, friend!

  7. Shawna Lemay · February 4, 2012

    oh yes, we all have those. but to have faith that we are sought after is beautiful. lovely post Staci!

  8. Andy Kennelly · February 4, 2012

    Powerful stuff and a great reminder for everyone.

  9. Staci Kennelly · February 4, 2012

    Thank you so much!

  10. Sam · February 4, 2012

    You write so very beautifully Staci. Really. I'm loving these insights of yours. And yes, I've been there too. xx

  11. yawkheel1 · February 7, 2012

    This is beautiful. As always. Thanks for reminding me that I am chased after!

  12. ~Cara · February 8, 2012

    did i miss that second shot on flickr? its incredible Staci.

  13. Staci Kennelly · February 8, 2012

    No, I didn't post it there. Thank you!

Thank you for your kind words.

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