ignoring shame

piling up {film}

The flu knocked me out for over a week.  I wasn’t able to get out of bed for days.  It was horrible.  When I finally rolled out of bed, I think I expected to find my house in disarray.  Instead, it was clean and tidy.  The kids had kept up with school.  In fact, my youngest was three chapters ahead in science! My husband had gone to the grocery store, so the fridge was full. The house was running smoothly without me.
The thing that discourages  me are the emotions this caused. Did I first think, “Wow, what a great family I  belong to.”  No.   Shame took over my mind and started it’s usual set of painful questions.  If my house can run with out me, what do I really do? If the kids can keep up with school with out me, what am I really teaching them?
Sure, I had a small hopeful voice telling me that I had a part in raising three great kids, and this was a time to be thankful.  Here is the thing about me- I don’t listen to that voice.  I seem to listen to the ugly voice far too long.  I seem to look for and find proof of my unimportance.   
So this week I have practiced  listening to that quieter voice.  That voice that cheers me on.  The one that reminds me that my kids bring me tea when I am sick because they have a mother who brings them tea.  I listen to it tell me that dinners were made all week because my children have a mother that taught them to cook.  They have a mom who allows them in the kitchen so they could know how it runs and how to run one. I listened to it remind me of the grace and love I give my children, so they in turn give grace and love to each other.  They are diligent with school because they are taught that work is important.    I listened to it remind me that my husband picks up the extra work around the house when I am sick because he loves me and our family, and we are a team.  I listen to it tell me that all my work that I do each day has lead to this beautiful moment.  
My voice of shame has tried to get a few digs in, but I have decided to ignore her.  I may have used a few choice cuss words to tell her to shut the hell up.  Just, maybe.

13 Comments Add yours

  1. Sam says:

    🙂
    I love it Staci.

  2. tara. says:

    This is great, Staci. Your family did all of that for you because it's what you've done for them for so long!

  3. The quieter voice speaks truth. I'm glad you're back!

  4. Shawna Lemay says:

    that quieter voice is wise : ) kind of wonderful to see the culmination of all your efforts come into being. and also pretty inspiring. thanks for this one Staci!

  5. Megan says:

    you are an inspiration. I am glad you listened and blessed that you shared your deepest “real” thoughts here because we all have those voices that we need to tell to shut the hell up! 😉

  6. Allison Lucille says:

    I love your sweet voice, I like the truth in your voice, & I'm glad you listen to her! I adore you

  7. Anonymous says:

    Sigh…. Im doing SOMEthing wrong. I have the best sweetest son ever…. Live with my mom – Both of whom I shop, cook and clean daily. Some where it has failed them that I do this out of my love for them. Yet – I was in the Hospital for a week, and then in bed for another two weeks after. not Once was I even offered a cup of soup! Im kinda bitter now. maybe hold it inside…. but – i love to cook and still do so for them. I really truely don't need any pats on the back for anything. But im really hurt that being really sick i am still on my own.

  8. Kirstin says:

    Staci, how you make me smile! I love it that your family showed their love for you while you were ill.

  9. I am so sorry! I would hate if my post on not listening to shame brought on shame! I am sure you are doing a wonderful job. Being a single mom is so hard. I only had to do it for 6 months, but they were 6 very long months that I will never forget.

  10. Thank you for your encouragement, friends! It is encouraging to know that I am not the only one with mean and harsh voices!

  11. audrey amaro says:

    Staci!! This is so encouraging. I loved it.
    You are one amazing lady.

  12. I love your honest and open words here. All of us have these voices, i am glad you are listening to the quieter one and am happy you are feeling better.

  13. You are an inspiration. Do you know that?!
    That voice of shame haunts us but the greatest thing is when we can really see who we are and what we've done with our life…then there's no space for this voice…

    Happy happy to find you here!
    =)

Thank you for your kind words.

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