let the light in

My family and I have had a rough week.  From the moment my grandmother got out of surgery until today, we have been on a roller coaster of emotion.  My grandma has made great strides, only to go back several steps.
These steps have felt like miles in our hearts.  One day she is sitting in a chair making jokes and the next she is back in bed with pneumonia.  We are trying our very best to work  together and to encourage  one another.  Are we doing it perfectly? No.  Are we doing our very best?  Yes.  Will my grandma be proud of us?  Most definitely.

My struggle in the last few days has been with joy.  I know my soul was made for joy.  I know that it is a fuel like none other.  Each moment I find joy, I find life.  Where do I begin looking for it while sitting in my grandma’s ICU room?  I try and look for it when they give us a little piece of good news, but that feels like hope.   I can be so sad and still hope.  I try to find it when I watch the nurses take loving care of my grandma.  They are so attentive.  However, that feels like thankfulness.  I can be sad and still be thankful.  I try to find it in how much time I have had with my little brother and my mom.  I have seen them so much this week.  But that feels like love.  I can be sad  and still love.

So I keep looking.

Yesterday while I was watching her sleep, she opened her eyes.  She saw me and smiled.  Softly she whispered, “I love you.”  Then as quickly as she woke up, she was back to sleep.  I went to the back of the room and silently wept.  I had found joy.  Right there in the middle of tired and exhausted, there was joy.  Right there in the middle of confused and frustrated, there was joy.  Right there in the middle of sad and desperate, there was joy.

I guess that is my lesson.  I need to  keep searching for joy among the tired and confused and frustrated and sad.  I need to remember that joy isn’t happy.  I can have joy in the middle of the tornados of my life.

So, today I will be searching for joy.  And today, I will find it.

Posted in me

8 thoughts on “elusive joy

  1. Yes…yes…yes! I say yes!!! And i found it today with tears in my eyes imagining being in the room when Grandma Nina saw you and whispered I love you! Hallelujah! My day is going to rock from here on out!

  2. oh love. what a sweet moment. I love how YOU love your family and then, to see Grandma Nina say that…I can see why you wept. I love this and I really Love you!!!

  3. The funny thing about joy is…it plays dress up. Sometimes it's happy to be itself and it's smacking you right in the face, like when you get an ice cream cone! Other times, it wraps itself up in the blanket of something else and hides. It likes to play this hide-n-seek and make you find it behind the despair or under the sorrow or perched on top of panic. Silly Joy.

  4. YOU are amazing, the stories you tell with your words are incredible! Seriously. The picture you paint with them are so vivid and powerful. What a wonderful reminder you gave me today…. thank you. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

  5. I love hearing your heart, Mrs. Kennelly. I can relate so much. I am thoroughly amazed by the way God can supply us real, unmistakable joy in the midst of heartbreaking pain. He is SO faithful. I thought I would share this song with you: “Joy” by Page CXVI (I have it posted on my blog, the post is titled, On All Things Joyful: 2). From one joyful person to another, made possible by the Greatest Joy the world will ever know, let's keep searching after Him. He will fill us up. Perfectly. ♥

Thank you for your kind words.

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